Planning a trip to Kuwait? The Essential Packing List:

Planning a trip to Kuwait? The Essential Packing List:

DARK GLASSES….the number of colors on Kuwaiti men’s outfits and their women’s clothing is BLINDING.

“Oh WOW {Insert hideous Kuwaiti female or male name here} Are you starring in a play? I love the stage make up!”

“Stage make up?? Oh just a bucket of paint and a brush…after all a girl/Kuwaiti man can’t show up at the supermarket or cold store without his/her face on!”

PLAYBOY, PENTHOUSE, FHM

If you’re used to looking at attractive women walking around the malls, I’m sorry to say Kuwait is going to be a huge disappointment. As the country with the highest rate of obesity in the ARAB WORLD, Kuwait’s malls (well, I guess you can call them that, their kind of makeshift malls…you know, the kind of thing an African refugee would mistake for the weekly vaccination tent) are filled with the FATEST women on the planet. What? Hide you’re disgusting figure with baggy clothing? I totally agree…however, Kuwaitis unfortunately have the mindset of creatures from Mars…or the beggar lady who curls up into a ball on my front lawn and purrs whilst asking me to rub her belly. What do you do with you’re gaping layers of fat you ask?? Put them on display of course! with tight form fitting stretch tops with colors that aren’t even part of the rainbow. You see, what the rest of the world calls tacky, the Kuwaitis call Haute Couture chic.

PLAYGIRL

You’re a woman?? Well, don’t get me started on the men! Men? I guess you can call them that although it would be a complete insult to every man on the planet. Let’s just call them male @ birth. Ever wanted to go to a country where every single member of the opposite sex looks like he goes to a salon more often than you do? Neither have I. But if you are weird and do or are just interested in witnessing a freak show, then KUWAIT is the place for you! Every single “man” has his eyebrows done, his nails painted, more foundation than a runway model, some lipstick and his hair straightened. And if that isn’t enough to turn you on, their penises don’t function as they are taped to their asses most of the time. Haven’t you heard? A bulge is not becoming when once chooses to wear the latest Victoria Beckham jeans! Don’t get me wrong! Some Kuwaiti “men” use their penises but usually only for décor…you know to glue rhinestones and beads on them. The most important thing for a Kuwaiti man is his asshole…in Kuwait it’s the male sexual organ. The “men” use strap-ons on each other…with all those rhinestones it would hurt to use a real penis. Don’t you fear!! Their strap-ons are decorated with glitter and are usually pink…so even sex is tacky…oops I mean Haute Couture Chic! Kuwaiti “men” = Italians….my doctor had to give me a sedative with my martini…I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING…everyone knows Saudi MEN are the most attractive…(and I should know, I’m Bahraini…see them all the time) Of course, if you’re the kinda girl who likes to discuss makeup tips or hair dye with your boyfriends then Kuwaiti “men” win bar none! A date with a picture in you’re magazine is as far as it’ll get for you whilst in Kuwait. A date with a Kuwaiti “man”? Well at least a glossy magazine page is better than a sub-male creature giving you dirty looks if you use the wrong fork for your starter

SCOTH TAPE, NEEDLES AND THREAD

If you’re a heterosexual male…I suggest taping your ass shut…or something more permanent like sewing it shut because Kuwaiti “men” will take any chance and opportunity to put it in you. Don’t drop the soap!

VODKA

Kuwait is the land of the plenty. When it comes to food that is! 99% of their major tourist attractions are restaurants…so when you get bored of eating and/or you manage to become as FAT as a Kuwait there is nothing left to do but sit in your room in one of their crappy hotels and DRINK. Tranquilizers also help to decimate reality and the nightmare that is a visit to Kuwait. I do, however, suggest attending on of the several SEX parties in Kuwait…living in such a shit hole has allowed the citizens to concentrate their time and energy on mastering the art of pleasuring you with their Haute Couture dildos.

GAS MASK

As a stolen extension of Iraq, with the same dialect but shittier people, it is always good to be prepared…the Iraqis may want to reclaim their former territory and throw all the homos and fat hos in the sea…or better yet drown them in their own fat with chlorine gas…so as a visitor…be prepared for the worst!

To Ms./Mr. Meshary Al-Ruwaih of the Kuwait Times (you can never be too sure when it comes to Kuwaitis), thank you for your inspiring crock of shit on Riyadh. Those damn idiots in Riyadh were stupid enough to give you your "flawless" country back. Despite the fact that yours was crap with terrible grammar (more than you can expect from Kuwaiti “schools”) , it inspired this masterful creation of mine. For this, I will be eternally thankful. By the way, with your horrible writing skills it is a wonder yours was officially published. Wait…never mind…it was published in Kuwait….